If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

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Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?


Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.


Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.


An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim


Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency


Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?


*googles how to cook something*

Food Blog: Well, we’re gonna get there but first let me tell you about my trip to Sicily when I was 17, a boy named Valentino and how I discovered the joy of GRAINS.


I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I’m pulled over.