@SentenceReduced

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

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@daemonic3

Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?

@doktorj

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

@groovyspecs

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

@Angel_150913

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

@niccolethurman

*googles how to cook something*

Food Blog: Well, we’re gonna get there but first let me tell you about my trip to Sicily when I was 17, a boy named Valentino and how I discovered the joy of GRAINS.

@Jeffro_

I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I’m pulled over.