If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Only a mother’s love …
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE