Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’