If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
You Might Also Like
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
this has to be peak English
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.