If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

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Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.


*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.


Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.


“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”




“Get out!”




[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.


Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.


I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity


Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.


Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.


Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.