“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
In banana years, I am bread.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
the rocks need my help
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
where the womens at?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
lmao
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me too
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay