if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.