“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”
~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants
Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I like to avoid confusion by making it weird from the beginning.
Joke of the day
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
A dead goose is called a ghoost