@TheBoydP

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

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@KentWGraham

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

@EyeSeeYou619

“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”

~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants

@LoveNLunchmeat

Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely

@ArfMeasures

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

@BigBec43

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

@seandunn76

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

@WilliamRodgers

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…