If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
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4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks