Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
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Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over