If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
