“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
🤣dope
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out