*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
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Traveler’s camo
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.