If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
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You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
the clam before the storm
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER