If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!