TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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You can tell a lot about a person by judging them.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Welcome to Twitter.
It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
– the first cow ever milked