My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately