If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
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Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
my fav colour is also hitler
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”