If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling