@jdforshort

If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers

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@DanMentos

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

@psybermonkey

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

@MrSpoonicorn

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

@MrGeorgeWallace

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

@humanaaron

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

@Idiotstopnow

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

@JustMeTurtle

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

@TheCatWhisprer

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

@itsallbollocks

Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
Me:
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you