Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom
I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring
*Walks away with hedge trimmers
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Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”