@jdforshort

If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers

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@FinallyHeSleeps

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

@Ygrene

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

@IamJackBoot

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

@TheCatWhisprer

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

@StarWarsProblms

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

@ravenswng_

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

@alinapete

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

@murrman5

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”