If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”