If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
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“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien