If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
let’s discuss
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.