@MinedOvaMatter

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

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@Mikecanrant

I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.

@junejuly12

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

@Sarcasticsapien

Congratulations, “journalists” who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn’t know you could get a degree in teenage girl.

@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

@neerjagurnani

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

@BlazedDonuts

The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What are Nazis?

Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago

5: Why were they bad?

Me: They kept correcting our grammar

@capnwatsisname

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?