I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
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Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Congratulations, “journalists” who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn’t know you could get a degree in teenage girl.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
5-year-old: What are Nazis?
Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago
5: Why were they bad?
Me: They kept correcting our grammar
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?