@MinedOvaMatter

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

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@AndyAsAdjective

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

@EmFarl

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

@JB4Realz

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

@MafiaJoker78

What do we want?

An endless supply of milk

When do we want it?

Cow

@Bandersnaaatch

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

@aidanjsears

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

@Playing_Dad

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

@roggyie

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

@stayfrea_

I called the cops on my own party one time because I was ready to go to bed.

@Burger_Time_

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first