If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral


She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.


Honey, I think the milks gone bad

“what makes you say that dear?”

*milk presses the gun to my back* just a hunch, btw where’s your purse?


Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out


My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.


me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes


Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?


I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.


Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer

Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?

Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin