If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
A short story of betrayal:
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))