Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?
I’ll tweet it tomorrow.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
You’re the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you’re worthless.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.