If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

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Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?

I’ll tweet it tomorrow.


A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again


Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea


You’re the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you’re worthless.


My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.


*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*