@RdrJay47

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

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@TEXASVETERAN

Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?

I’ll tweet it tomorrow.

@DVSblast

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

@autocorrects

You’re the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you’re worthless.

@SufficientCharm

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

@SuperApple80

*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*