If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Overindulged this afternoon.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.