Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
same energy
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth