@ScottFilmCritic

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

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@jdforshort

If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers

@robdelaney

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

@canadasandra

What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

@JustinSouvanna

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

@weinerdog4life

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

@kumailn

“And remember to talk to everyone like they’re a 3rd grader.” – flight attendant manual

@rachelle_mandik

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

@girl_a_whirl

A spider crawled on my son’s hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.