If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom
I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring
*Walks away with hedge trimmers
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“And remember to talk to everyone like they’re a 3rd grader.” – flight attendant manual
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
A spider crawled on my son’s hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.