If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

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If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers


Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.


What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)


Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”


When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence


“And remember to talk to everyone like they’re a 3rd grader.” – flight attendant manual


ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.


A spider crawled on my son’s hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.