If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS


Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true


Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit


You’re supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain? Well that was really embarrassing.


I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.


I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.


How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?


My girlfriend talks to her dog like it’s going to talk back.

Kind of like when Christians talk to God.


ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it