@ScottFilmCritic

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

@internetluke

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

@ADHDeanASL

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

@sixfootcandy

You’re supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain? Well that was really embarrassing.

@CulturedRuffian

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

@Dutch_50

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

@curlycomedy

How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?

@iwearpajamas

My girlfriend talks to her dog like it’s going to talk back.

Kind of like when Christians talk to God.

@tricycle_champ

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it