If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I am yelling
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
A drum solo but on your face.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”