I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
me: my friends:
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room