5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
new shirt idea
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
craving $300 all of a sudden
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Worth the read.
I feel attacked.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
What
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.