@KentWGraham

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

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@AngryRaccoon2

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

@Number10cat

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

@danjan13

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

@ClickBaite

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

@Marlebean

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

@gianni_bcn

Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven

*Gets hit by a water ballon*

Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul