@DanaSchwartzzz

If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.

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@1fragmentedmind

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

@truegritrumble

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

@QwertyJones3

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

@Mom_Overboard

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

@david8hughes

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

@OllyiConic

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

@ActualPerson084

INCREASINGLY DESPERATE GOOGLE SEARCH FOR “HOW MANY SHADOWS SHOULD I HAVE?”

@SomthinBoutSara

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

@petridishes

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends