If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.

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[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!


Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.


ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor


If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny.

If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.


Sometimes I’ll casually say “what else do you want?” on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I’m ordering for more than just me.


[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.



COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war