@AnExocticBeach

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

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@stevevsninjas

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

@VodkaThursday

There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.

@Henry_3000

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

@brennadine

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

@Poutymcgee

See a penny pick it up…

All day long you’ll have….

A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.

@SadPeruna

Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!

@faungirl123

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

@Sassafrantz

I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.