@AnExocticBeach

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

You Might Also Like

@Nuwaha17

I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.

@ddsmidt

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@jake_lach

If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?

@HeyoShellz

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

@james_comics

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@obiwankesnowbi

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

@donni

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

@meredithkachel

You know what they say: Can’t spell brother without broth! *pan to my brother sitting in a cauldron, cutting carrots. He waves*

@Chumpstring

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut