I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
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People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
interviewer: how are you with excel
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
You know what they say: Can’t spell brother without broth! *pan to my brother sitting in a cauldron, cutting carrots. He waves*
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut