If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”