@CloydRivers

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.

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@MichaelTrying

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

@pauleggleston

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

@BigFatNothing

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

@HomeWithPeanut

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

@BillyCorben

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

@ArfMeasures

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful