Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Oh the world we live in…
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?