How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
You can tell a lot about a person by autopsy.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful