*The doctor hands me my son. I see that he’s Asian. I look at my wife*
WIFE: I tried to tell-
ME: the stork flew so far!
If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.
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I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Women don’t make good meteorologists because they’re never wrong
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING
Wife:How’d you sleep?
Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo