@CloydRivers

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.

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@thenatewolf

*The doctor hands me my son. I see that he’s Asian. I look at my wife*

ME: unbelievable

WIFE: I tried to tell-

ME: the stork flew so far!

@skedaddle74

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

@FlyJ_

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

@audipenny

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

@DevilryFun

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

@dumbbeezie

Women don’t make good meteorologists because they’re never wrong

@mommajessiec

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

@prufrockluvsong

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@jergarl

Wife:How’d you sleep?

Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo

W:

Ambien:*giggles