@CloydRivers

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.

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@pleatedjeans

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

@_ElvishPresley_

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

@PrettyRicc

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

@Nofstnme

Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.

@abbycohenwl

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

@better_off_dad

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

@StoneAgeRadio13

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

@Reverend_Scott

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”