Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
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Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now