Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback
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Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.
9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.
Me: I’m done peeing!!
Khakis: No you’re not.
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.