If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*