Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.