@LoveNLunchmeat

If you play dumb with me, I swear to God I will play even dumber. HOW DARE YOU? I INVENTED DUMB

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@snowmedia

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

@MarkoESQ

Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

@Darlainky

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

@OrangeFact

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

@JoePetroske

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

@SomePieceOfshit

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why