If you play dumb with me, I swear to God I will play even dumber. HOW DARE YOU? I INVENTED DUMB

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My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”


Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.


My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.


Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.



MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”


HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*


Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.


Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news


genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why