[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
only 11 steps left
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out