@LoveNLunchmeat

If you play dumb with me, I swear to God I will play even dumber. HOW DARE YOU? I INVENTED DUMB

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@kingsleyyy

Conservatives after a mass shooting: “You can’t take our guns!”

Conservatives after a police shooting: “But he had a gun!”

I’m confused.

@mattsurely

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

@haveigotnews

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

@philco816

Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.

Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.

Mb: I don’t care just get it done.

@iwearaonesie

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

@Jerrypleasure

date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.

@JohnLyonTweets

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

@shutyourhell

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

@kentgrossarth

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three