Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Ovenable?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me