ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.