If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
set yourself free xox
These 3D printers are insane!
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
peak technology
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes