@ShutUpThatsWho

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

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@imteddybless

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

@TheAlexP

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

@Darlainky

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

@ArfMeasures

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

@Piecezilla

Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.

@TheAlexNevil

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

@JohnLyonTweets

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

@bobinhiding

My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.

@NotMarkAllen

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.