If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.

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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water


I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.


[first day as a librarian]

customer: i can’t find the fiction section

me: i renamed it

customer: what

me: lies


When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.


[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY


Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?


WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?


Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?


Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.