If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.

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I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.


Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled


Calm down girls, it’s Starbucks. They sell coffee, not unicorn blood.


I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank


I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.


I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.


LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.


I want to be important enough to receive a phone call, say one word, hang up and having the end result being something blown up.


Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt


My wife: “Can you pass me the stud finder?”
Me: “You’re the stud finder!”
*deep, awkward silence*
Me: “Here it is.”