@vinfury

If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.

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@MicheleAKALips

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

@OtherDanOBrien

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

@KKAlThani

Calm down girls, it’s Starbucks. They sell coffee, not unicorn blood.

@mountainlex

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

@_SetTheHook_

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@AGreaterMonster

LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.

@Brianhopecomedy

I want to be important enough to receive a phone call, say one word, hang up and having the end result being something blown up.

@newLettuce

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

@sammyrhodes

My wife: “Can you pass me the stud finder?”
Me: “You’re the stud finder!”
*deep, awkward silence*
Me: “Here it is.”