If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running