If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
no one likes gloating
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[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.