If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
oh my god
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares