If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

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Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”


Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle


I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”


“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”


2 just lectured me for not having bacon in the house and brought me my shoes and pants….how’s your Sunday going?


I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.


I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.


It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…



Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo