If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
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UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
FINE, I WON’T.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.