“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Legend 🤣🤣