@theshamingofjay

If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar

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@philmann

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

@roxiqt

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

@Eden_Eats

Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@Pee_And_Giggles

19: Help me think of a tweet.

Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.

19: Maaaaa!

@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

@Adam14

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

@kimtopher22

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

@Vice_Queen

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.