5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
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TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when