If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar

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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]



ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.


GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-


I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?


Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.


*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!


19: Help me think of a tweet.

Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.

19: Maaaaa!


Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁


Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.


I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.


Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.