@badbrain1367

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

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@jctwritesstuff

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

@KalvinMacleod

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

@CJhooray

I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don’t think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk

@TheDeadfishSays

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

@FatherofTweet

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.

@Smug_Lemur

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

@randypaint

mugger: [points gun] gimme ur cash

me: what are u 70 years old lol

mugger: wait-

me: let me reach into my trousers and grab my “paper money” lmao

mugger: [tearing up] please stop

@TwinSurvivalist

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

@BritishNicx

Me: Oh yeah, baby. Tie me up and put a blindfold on me…Grrrr.

Him: Erm…I’m only here to rob the bank…and I have a boyfriend.