Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don’t think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.
I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
mugger: [points gun] gimme ur cash
me: what are u 70 years old lol
me: let me reach into my trousers and grab my “paper money” lmao
mugger: [tearing up] please stop
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Me: Oh yeah, baby. Tie me up and put a blindfold on me…Grrrr.
Him: Erm…I’m only here to rob the bank…and I have a boyfriend.