If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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Siri, fight Alexa.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo