If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”

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I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.


*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”


Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.


What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?


My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!


BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*


Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I’m ‘causing a scene’ and ‘I didn’t mean kickboxing.’


“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”