I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I’m ‘causing a scene’ and ‘I didn’t mean kickboxing.’
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.