me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”