If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”